Where is My Identity?

As a stay-at-home mother, I have learned how easy it is to fall in to the trap of “I don’t do anything.” Several days go by where there is no need for me to leave the house, so I simply do not go anywhere. There are days that spit-up winds up resting in my hair, and on my clothes, and I do not shower or change. There are moments where I could sweep the house, and maybe even mop, but I do not - simply because the baby hasn’t had a nap all day and now she is sleeping, and I just want to sit down. As a stay-at-home (SAH), my job is not only to keep a tiny human alive, fed, slept, clean, and entertained, my job is to also watch over the affairs of my home. Including: budget writing, grocery buying, meal planning, cleaning, laundry (oh! The laundry!), tidying, running errands my husband can’t run for himself because he works 40 miles from home and has a two hour return commute, cooking (and making sure that I too eat something as the day progresses), bill paying, and now, helping my husband get his leather goods business up and running. And we only have one child! I’m not writing this list to complain, but rather, to remind myself that I don’t do nothing. On the days where the household tasks fall by the wayside, I can lay my head down at night knowing that I chose and was able to keep someone alive and I did a dang fine job. 

Social media presents being a mom as a fad, or a trend. Something that requires a slogan. For example, #tiredasamother, #imomsohard, #butfirstcoffee. To the slogans makers, let me say this: you’ve done a bang-up job of hitting all of the nails on the head. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that the two hours of sleep I got last night because I made chili and little nursing baby stomachs don’t handle chili well, just weren’t enough, and I am therefore, #tiredasamother. The first thing I do every morning is get my water boiling so I can make some coffee. The thought of taking a shower first always crosses my mind, but I faithfully decide instead that I require caffeine first and foremost - #butfirstcoffee. Now, I’m not really sure what “mom so hard” means, let alone how “mom” became a verb, but I know that it is a full time job. So perhaps, I do #momsohard simply by being a mom. So, you slogan makers and hashtag inventors, bravo(a). You can really do your job! But….

When comparison becomes a thief of joy, there arises an issue. I see beautiful mothers on Instagram all the time who look so put together, so flawless, so…sponsored. Women who wear exercise clothes around the house, yet don’t actually exercise. And, side note, let me be the first to say wearing sweatpants or yoga pants at all times is definitely enticing, as is the not exercising. I see mothers who don’t look flawless, who post a photo of themselves with spit-up in their hair and a pile of unfolded laundry on the couch in the background. There is nothing essentially wrong with these two types of images. The latter can be seen as raw, real, and even encouraging to share the realities of being a SAH. The issue that I see, and that I can point a finger at is as simple as this: me. What I mean to say is that the issue here is not whether or not SAH parents - moms and dads alike - should be posting images of themselves, either put together or not. No, the issue is what I do with the images.

Do I respond in instant regret over my outfit choices today? Do I look at these women who’s makeup is on point and think ‘I could never look that good?’ Do I harbor some kind of resentment toward the mother who is able to look flawless? Or the mother who is able to be honest with herself about all the things she has yet to do? Do I compare my day to their day? Do I instantly forget why my husband and I have decided that our daughter should have a parent with her, rather than a babysitter? And, do I forgot how blessed we are to be able to make that decision, when plenty of single moms and dads have to take their children to daycare simply because they have no other options? If I’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, then I can say, with confidence, that the issue is myself. 

When I get to this place of self-loathing and coveting what I do not have, I know I’ve lost it. I’ve lost my worth. I’ve lost my confidence. But, more than either of those, I’ve lost my identity. I’ve placed who I am and what I do beneath the photos and blog posts and opinions about what a mom in 2017 “should” look like. A mom in 2017 should look exactly how you make it look. If you are a mom who does makeup tutorials, practices Pinterest styles, and rocks the “athleisure” wear, then good for you! If you are a mom who barely makes it out of bed every morning without her cup of coffee, then go grab yourself a cup o’ joe and drink up! If you are the type of mom who has to drop your child off at daycare on your way to work, then go you for working hard to support your child and making sure they are well taken care of while you’re doing so! And if you are the type of mom who makes it a goal to exercise, but you just can’t seem to get up the energy to go, then don’t worry, you’ll get there someday - maybe even later today! My point is this: don’t let the standards that are being set by the strangers and acquaintances we “follow” on social media outlets become the very enemy that keeps you from finding joy and pride in what you’ve accomplished today. Somedays are harder than others, no doubt about it. Some nights allow for more sleep than others. Some moms have more choices then others. Regardless of all of that, we - I - need to find my worth in who God has made me to be. Period. 

Genesis 1:27, So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. . . 31 And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

What does that mean? To be made in the image of God? Well, there are countless papers and articles and books, even, about what it means. 

Galatians 5:22-24, But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If you want to know what the image of Christ looks like, this is it. These fruits are made evident in our lives only as we belong to Christ and are living out our relationship with Him. And notice, that when God made male and female, he said “it was very good.” This should offer us so much encouragement! God saw that what he had handcrafted was not only good, but very good! That’s us! And if we are to live a life that is worthwhile, we should first and foremost be living in the saving grace that Christ has shown us by paying the price for our sins on the cross, and second, the fruit mentioned above, should be evident. 

So, this is our identity. Children of God, made in His image, able to bear fruit of the Spirit. 

Galatians 2:20 says, For I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

This is what I should come back to when I’ve come to the place of losing my worth. Of forgetting that I was designed and placed where I currently am to bear fruit to those I am currently surrounded by. No, my life does not look like I thought it would five years ago. No, I do not have a ten year plan, let alone a one year plan. No, I do not always get my day started off on the right foot. But, I am loved. I am valued. And the Savior of the world (the ENTIRE WORLD) gave His life for me. That is nothing short of merciful. In fact, it is the definition of mercy. Who I am is loved by the one and only God who thought that the inhabitants of this dirty world were, and are, worth saving. 

So, the next time I start to play the comparison game, these are the truths of which I must remind myself. Perhaps, dear reader, you thought that this blog was going to be posts for the masses. Well, I am here to let you know that this blog is intended to reach exactly those who need to be reached, and in this moment, that is myself. These are the life-giving words that I need to be reminded of. And my hope is that all of you already know and can remember these truths. But, if you too need to be reminded, please let me encourage you with the most encouraging thing I know: the Word of God.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. Colossians 3:23-24. 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16.

For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:16-17.

Sincerely, 

Elisabeth